Been spending the last 3 hours staring at this damn computer, wanting to get work done for tomorrow, but on my 4th week back, I have reached another mental block. Which is irritating as hell.
I am trying to make sure I have all my pieces for Laura's multimedia class tomorrow, but my brain isn't co-operating. I don't know if that by taking a break in Aberdeen, I have been left more tired and exhausted. Well I have decided, I am going to blether a bit of rubbish, stick everything in my book, then make the book better, by writing and drawing a few bits on it. I don't know how much I'll get done, but we'll see.
This weekend in Aberdeen was fab, but I saw two of my closest friends, strong women, who were upset over men. I just hate it how people are so selfish to not think of another person, and lead them on, or pretend to care about them. Its the pressure, I mean one relationship ends, then we have that self doubt telling us we will be alone forever.
Its not that thought of being alone, I want to know where the idea came from that being alone is such a bad thing? Its nature for people feeling the want to be around others, but I'm sick of people thinking there is something wrong with me for being single for over a year and a half. I mean at the end of the day, we are born alone, we die alone. No matter what happens in the middle, the unevitable things in life we do alone-birth and death.
Damn, thats awful morbid for a Monday!
Monday 21 September 2009
Wednesday 16 September 2009
Thinking thoughts
Due to me spending most of today on my own, I have been inside my own head, thinking waaay to much. About a lot of different things. Mostly, about how someone says something to me, and my head manages to completely distort the comment, usually into something negative about myself.
Take yesterday for example. After a day out looking round galleries, me and a few people went to the pub. We ended up talking about last year, and how there was a lot of bitching going on. And Sarah said that everyone seems to like me, that she'd never heard anyone speak negatively of me. Now, most people would be happy with that and think that they are a nice person to everyone, so would hope that people would like me in return. But, I over think. So what should have been positive, ended up me thinking that 'if everyone liked me, who come everytime I need someone noone is around? How come noone is there for me'?
But then I was I that automatic thinking of 'they like me, but not enough'? That is very possible, as I have long held a habit of where I make problems for myself. But thats putting the basis of my feelings on to other people, and holding them responsible if anything goes wrong. Which, I am trying to get myself to avoid doing. But then again, it is a well known trait of human behaviour. Its self defence. Its easier to blame someone else for what you have done wrong, rather than admit that it is due to your own failings. Its a hard thing to get a grasp off. But I think I will be a lot happier if I can get it into my head, that it is ok to muck things up sometimes.
Its not that I am a perfectionist, far from it, I just feel that the only way I can be happy with what I have, is to take responsibility for what happens.
Take yesterday for example. After a day out looking round galleries, me and a few people went to the pub. We ended up talking about last year, and how there was a lot of bitching going on. And Sarah said that everyone seems to like me, that she'd never heard anyone speak negatively of me. Now, most people would be happy with that and think that they are a nice person to everyone, so would hope that people would like me in return. But, I over think. So what should have been positive, ended up me thinking that 'if everyone liked me, who come everytime I need someone noone is around? How come noone is there for me'?
But then I was I that automatic thinking of 'they like me, but not enough'? That is very possible, as I have long held a habit of where I make problems for myself. But thats putting the basis of my feelings on to other people, and holding them responsible if anything goes wrong. Which, I am trying to get myself to avoid doing. But then again, it is a well known trait of human behaviour. Its self defence. Its easier to blame someone else for what you have done wrong, rather than admit that it is due to your own failings. Its a hard thing to get a grasp off. But I think I will be a lot happier if I can get it into my head, that it is ok to muck things up sometimes.
Its not that I am a perfectionist, far from it, I just feel that the only way I can be happy with what I have, is to take responsibility for what happens.
Monday 14 September 2009
Love- Con?
After watching way too much Sex And The City this weekend, and reading a news paper article on love 'hoaxes', I decided a blog was in need. :)
Apparantly with the influx of dating websites on the internet, there is now a trend of people being 'duped' by fakes. As with most internet cons, the main idea is to make money out of insuspecting victims. There has been cases of people going to meet their 'online lover' and are ditched, coming home to find that their home has been broken into. I thought, people were aware the dangers of giving out privatye information on line? I mean my 11 year old sister, has a fake name and town name she uses when on various online sites, because they have all been told that the internet runs on imagination.
Which is a good point. I mean, a large precentage of the internet is articles, blogs with people waxing lyrical about subjects with no major significance (ahhem-no comment). But with it feeling like you are contacting another world, a world where anyone can have hundreds of Facebook friends and feel so popular. Which in all honesty is no bad thing. I mean I have many friends, which I have made online. But when the satisfaction of your 'online life' outranks that of you boring real life, it's not to easy to get wrapped up in what you are seeing.
Some people also find it hard to distinguish the difference between online and reality. And if someone gains some affection whether its online or not, of course it is going to feel great. But to actually get to the point, that this person you are emailing, and PM-ing is actually a real person. When in reality, a huge part of the intense feeling of love is partially in the persons head, they want to feel intensity and want to be in a relationship, so their imagination harbours these intense feelings. Bear in mind that these feelings, do not come from the figurative heart, it comes straight from the head (I am a major love cynic). It doesn't help that it is scientifically proven, that the feelings of love come from pre-concieved teachings that we are taught from an early age. Why are we taught about love? Because love leads to marriage, and marriage encourages people to settle down, reproduce and generally keep the ecconomy. Infatuation, that happens when you first meet a person you get on famously with, is sold as love. That love is natural. Love does exist, but the reason so many marriages end in divorce these days is because love is no longer an emotion, it is a strong marketing tool and it has you in its sights.
Just like how young girls are sold magazines filled with tips on dating, and finding the right man. This isn't information, this isn't even supply and demand, this is brainwashing. Having a man, does not equal a successful woman, but this is what is sold to people hoping to 'turn their lives around'. As if meeting a man, is going to immediately lurn you life around. Its just no more a pipe dream than wanting to be a celebrity ( a whole other topic).
People should learn that only they can be held responsible for making their life better, if they don't take responsibilty, they cannot blame others for making benefits out of their failure of realism.
Apparantly with the influx of dating websites on the internet, there is now a trend of people being 'duped' by fakes. As with most internet cons, the main idea is to make money out of insuspecting victims. There has been cases of people going to meet their 'online lover' and are ditched, coming home to find that their home has been broken into. I thought, people were aware the dangers of giving out privatye information on line? I mean my 11 year old sister, has a fake name and town name she uses when on various online sites, because they have all been told that the internet runs on imagination.
Which is a good point. I mean, a large precentage of the internet is articles, blogs with people waxing lyrical about subjects with no major significance (ahhem-no comment). But with it feeling like you are contacting another world, a world where anyone can have hundreds of Facebook friends and feel so popular. Which in all honesty is no bad thing. I mean I have many friends, which I have made online. But when the satisfaction of your 'online life' outranks that of you boring real life, it's not to easy to get wrapped up in what you are seeing.
Some people also find it hard to distinguish the difference between online and reality. And if someone gains some affection whether its online or not, of course it is going to feel great. But to actually get to the point, that this person you are emailing, and PM-ing is actually a real person. When in reality, a huge part of the intense feeling of love is partially in the persons head, they want to feel intensity and want to be in a relationship, so their imagination harbours these intense feelings. Bear in mind that these feelings, do not come from the figurative heart, it comes straight from the head (I am a major love cynic). It doesn't help that it is scientifically proven, that the feelings of love come from pre-concieved teachings that we are taught from an early age. Why are we taught about love? Because love leads to marriage, and marriage encourages people to settle down, reproduce and generally keep the ecconomy. Infatuation, that happens when you first meet a person you get on famously with, is sold as love. That love is natural. Love does exist, but the reason so many marriages end in divorce these days is because love is no longer an emotion, it is a strong marketing tool and it has you in its sights.
Just like how young girls are sold magazines filled with tips on dating, and finding the right man. This isn't information, this isn't even supply and demand, this is brainwashing. Having a man, does not equal a successful woman, but this is what is sold to people hoping to 'turn their lives around'. As if meeting a man, is going to immediately lurn you life around. Its just no more a pipe dream than wanting to be a celebrity ( a whole other topic).
People should learn that only they can be held responsible for making their life better, if they don't take responsibilty, they cannot blame others for making benefits out of their failure of realism.
Thursday 10 September 2009
Inspiration- artists
I am currently trying to drum together lots of things, which inspire me in work, and what I do. ]
I am going to look at all the artists, both graphic and traditional that inspire me.
The first one, is an artist I talk about frequently. Salvador Dali. I love his obscure images he created. The fact that he was so incentric and was amzing at attracting attention to himself and promoting his work. Which in any type of art, is necessary. You need to have the courage and belief to promote yourself and your work. And thats what I took from him.
I also admire Kat Von D. I know it sounds a bit 'off' naming her as an artist. But aside from the profile she has provided to the tattooing world, she also has an ever increasing portfolio of work, that she does, alongside the day job. She has a very good outlook on life, and I like that. Again she is another artist, who believes in endless self-promotion. But in a world where artists, no matter what the genre, have to do some self promotion, if they want to succeed. So if you cannot sell yourself, and your work, then there is no point in looking for an artistic career. She also takes a huge influence from music, which is one is my main influence in life in general. She also has a habit of overworking herself, which is something people are constantly telling me I do.
John Constable is another one of my favourite artists. I love how he came out against what was the trend at the time, which was a lot of drawing from imagination and things. He believed taht he had to take art from what was directly in front of him. He is noted as saying that 'beauty in the world, is noticing its imperfections, that in itself is perfection'. I think that is great, as not every leave you see is not identical and they are all different. Although his work was very upmarket, they are genuinely beautiful images.
Charlie Harper is another influencial artist. He is lead singer for a punk band called the UK Subs, and he also produces his own art work. I first saw his work two years ago at a punk festival, called Rebellion, which I go to every year. He shows a lot of urban. grunge style work, and his work comes across as if he is frustrated. Many strong emotions are shown in art. I love the idea that Charlie doesn't feel that just because he is succesful with music that he should stick with that, and he does well at art also.
I am going to look at all the artists, both graphic and traditional that inspire me.
The first one, is an artist I talk about frequently. Salvador Dali. I love his obscure images he created. The fact that he was so incentric and was amzing at attracting attention to himself and promoting his work. Which in any type of art, is necessary. You need to have the courage and belief to promote yourself and your work. And thats what I took from him.
I also admire Kat Von D. I know it sounds a bit 'off' naming her as an artist. But aside from the profile she has provided to the tattooing world, she also has an ever increasing portfolio of work, that she does, alongside the day job. She has a very good outlook on life, and I like that. Again she is another artist, who believes in endless self-promotion. But in a world where artists, no matter what the genre, have to do some self promotion, if they want to succeed. So if you cannot sell yourself, and your work, then there is no point in looking for an artistic career. She also takes a huge influence from music, which is one is my main influence in life in general. She also has a habit of overworking herself, which is something people are constantly telling me I do.
John Constable is another one of my favourite artists. I love how he came out against what was the trend at the time, which was a lot of drawing from imagination and things. He believed taht he had to take art from what was directly in front of him. He is noted as saying that 'beauty in the world, is noticing its imperfections, that in itself is perfection'. I think that is great, as not every leave you see is not identical and they are all different. Although his work was very upmarket, they are genuinely beautiful images.
Charlie Harper is another influencial artist. He is lead singer for a punk band called the UK Subs, and he also produces his own art work. I first saw his work two years ago at a punk festival, called Rebellion, which I go to every year. He shows a lot of urban. grunge style work, and his work comes across as if he is frustrated. Many strong emotions are shown in art. I love the idea that Charlie doesn't feel that just because he is succesful with music that he should stick with that, and he does well at art also.
Wednesday 9 September 2009
progress
I had a bit of a lie in today, before I headed into college.
Well, actually, I went and booked myself in for a tattoo, for Friday first. Its going to be two dices one with a '3' and the other at '4'. Its going to have the dices warped and melting, with blue flames, as if the dices are on fire. Ok, it sounds wierd, but I think its gonna be cool. Oh, and its gonna be on my forearm, so.....this sleeve I want to get is well on its way. Coincidentally, the sum of the numbers which is on the dices are 7 and this will be my seventh tattoo. Odd.
Also did work at college O.o
I finished outcome 1 for Creative Industries and handed it to Chris.
I did my own information/ report thing for Information design
and then it was time to head to work. Busy, busy.
Well, actually, I went and booked myself in for a tattoo, for Friday first. Its going to be two dices one with a '3' and the other at '4'. Its going to have the dices warped and melting, with blue flames, as if the dices are on fire. Ok, it sounds wierd, but I think its gonna be cool. Oh, and its gonna be on my forearm, so.....this sleeve I want to get is well on its way. Coincidentally, the sum of the numbers which is on the dices are 7 and this will be my seventh tattoo. Odd.
Also did work at college O.o
I finished outcome 1 for Creative Industries and handed it to Chris.
I did my own information/ report thing for Information design
and then it was time to head to work. Busy, busy.
Tuesday 8 September 2009
College.
Everything is pretty much back to normal. 9-4.30 is college, 6-11 is work.
Any extra time is spent on college work, or additional personals. I feel like I can cope with it all, but we'll see how long that lasts. I am trying to keep myself motivated with everything. I mean its quiet at work, and I have been doing research for college prijects.
Main things I need to sort:
*Creative Industries- present outcome 1 on a board for Chris
*Mixed Media- see if I can finish that dreaded frame
*Scan in work, deviant has been a bit neglected---oops
*Adobe. Adobe suite NEEDED. Seeing as my laptop decided to feck it all up.
*External harddrive- Need to buy me one. So I can store things without having to panic that the laptop will fail
And pretty much, try and stay on top of things. Well, I guess time will show how that will go.
Everything is pretty much back to normal. 9-4.30 is college, 6-11 is work.
Any extra time is spent on college work, or additional personals. I feel like I can cope with it all, but we'll see how long that lasts. I am trying to keep myself motivated with everything. I mean its quiet at work, and I have been doing research for college prijects.
Main things I need to sort:
*Creative Industries- present outcome 1 on a board for Chris
*Mixed Media- see if I can finish that dreaded frame
*Scan in work, deviant has been a bit neglected---oops
*Adobe. Adobe suite NEEDED. Seeing as my laptop decided to feck it all up.
*External harddrive- Need to buy me one. So I can store things without having to panic that the laptop will fail
And pretty much, try and stay on top of things. Well, I guess time will show how that will go.
Friday 4 September 2009
The Product of Sex And The City boxset
Sitting watching Sex and The City, and it always makes me wanna blog. Funny that.
It just makes me think about relationships with other people. I mean, I am a friendly person, and unless you are mean to me, I’ll be nice to you. But I always find myself in the situation, that people don’t seem to invite me out. This leads me to spend many lame nights in on Foxy Bingo. I try and organise something, and it always ends up just me and Paul. Not that I mind that, because I’m sure I have talked his ears off with my shitty life story more than once. Its like everyone else has better offers. Its like ‘yeah I would, but I prefer my other friends’. And that feeling just drives me mad. Maybe I think about it too much, but it has always felt like a major flaw in my life. Its probably paranoia, but its the only thing in my life which I feel is holding me back. I mean I have a job, which to be honest is pretty stable. I am back at college, and am totally at peace with it, and am planning my projects and things already. And I am also feeling very creative, and am sketching on top of my college work, and I think that the sketch book will be finished within the next couple of weeks.
So the fact that I seem to have this inhability to get myself anywhere close to the field of dating, feels like the only thing holding me back. I mean, if you are unable to go out regularly, how can you ever expect to get anyone. Its not like I get on with my daily life, thinking ‘there is one person and she will never pass me by’. Because I find that a rather niave way of looking at things, or maybe its me who is the niave one? Is it stupidity, that I seem to excuse myself from even attempting to get into that type of relationship?
I think its where my self-punishment kicks in, telling myself that if I really was such a nice person as I think I am, then why am I single and alone. Why have I been to scared to even go near someone, in a relationship sense, in over a year. Yep, the notorious Sam. Seriously the first time I could admit to myself that I was gay, happened with her. But nothing lasts forever, and as I let myself into her flat, I found her and some blonde bitch in bed together. I have never ever been so hurt in my life. I mean, I had always thought that emotional pain, so severe, you feel it physically, was a load of horse shit. But to be honest, I live with tendonitis (pre-cursor to arthritis) and I have been so sore I can’t walk, but it was so unbeleivable painful. I mean I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack.
So I think that my head is trying to put barriers in my own way to stop that happening again. I mean, honestly, its the only thing I feel is making me feel low at the moment. There is answer somewhere, I hope.
It just makes me think about relationships with other people. I mean, I am a friendly person, and unless you are mean to me, I’ll be nice to you. But I always find myself in the situation, that people don’t seem to invite me out. This leads me to spend many lame nights in on Foxy Bingo. I try and organise something, and it always ends up just me and Paul. Not that I mind that, because I’m sure I have talked his ears off with my shitty life story more than once. Its like everyone else has better offers. Its like ‘yeah I would, but I prefer my other friends’. And that feeling just drives me mad. Maybe I think about it too much, but it has always felt like a major flaw in my life. Its probably paranoia, but its the only thing in my life which I feel is holding me back. I mean I have a job, which to be honest is pretty stable. I am back at college, and am totally at peace with it, and am planning my projects and things already. And I am also feeling very creative, and am sketching on top of my college work, and I think that the sketch book will be finished within the next couple of weeks.
So the fact that I seem to have this inhability to get myself anywhere close to the field of dating, feels like the only thing holding me back. I mean, if you are unable to go out regularly, how can you ever expect to get anyone. Its not like I get on with my daily life, thinking ‘there is one person and she will never pass me by’. Because I find that a rather niave way of looking at things, or maybe its me who is the niave one? Is it stupidity, that I seem to excuse myself from even attempting to get into that type of relationship?
I think its where my self-punishment kicks in, telling myself that if I really was such a nice person as I think I am, then why am I single and alone. Why have I been to scared to even go near someone, in a relationship sense, in over a year. Yep, the notorious Sam. Seriously the first time I could admit to myself that I was gay, happened with her. But nothing lasts forever, and as I let myself into her flat, I found her and some blonde bitch in bed together. I have never ever been so hurt in my life. I mean, I had always thought that emotional pain, so severe, you feel it physically, was a load of horse shit. But to be honest, I live with tendonitis (pre-cursor to arthritis) and I have been so sore I can’t walk, but it was so unbeleivable painful. I mean I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack.
So I think that my head is trying to put barriers in my own way to stop that happening again. I mean, honestly, its the only thing I feel is making me feel low at the moment. There is answer somewhere, I hope.
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