So, that's another year gone.

I swear each year goes by faster and faster.
I did something unthinkable and stuck to a resolution this year. I managed to get into blogging again. And have become totally addicted to it. Its like I have this almighty yearning to go to a computer and type up some bullshit. I don't think people appreciate how much blogging can help you get things off your chest. I mean would people prefer that they get even more bullshit from me, than what they all ready do?

This year has had a lot of low points, with having a few people I'm close to die, and also a suicide attempt a few months ago. I have struggled this year both financially and mentally. Without having a release or any of my friends to rely on, I really doubt I could have made it without any of them. So thank you. Thats the people I have befriended through this site, the GC fam, work pals, College pals, rosyth Peoples, cowdenbeath/kelty peoples and basically anyone who has offered me something to lean on this past year. I love you all.

There has been some good things this year, like seeing Nofx for the first time in 8 years, having banter with many bands including Dogsflesh, Outl4w and 4PM. Just going to gigs generally makes me happy. I am planning on some more gigs this year, seeing as I missed out on some in 09. Mostly because its been the year, when I've never had money. Which is fail, its like I work to get by, and thats it.

Hope everyone has a grand Hogmanay, whatever you're doing. See ya in 2010.

The day after the night before

Feeling kinda rough today.
Had my works night out last night, and it was great. Had about ten pints of lager and was kinda wasted at the end of the night. Was good though. Well, I enjoyed it. As with all work nights out, there was a bit of drama. It was between Sam, Jade and Jen. Jade's one of the new members of the team, and Jen and Sam have been pals for a while now. They are all involved with guys, but Jade was all over everyone, especially Sam. Jen didn't want to take part in their messing around, so she was completely ignored by Sam and Jade.

I mean they were sitting snogging in the toilets. Sam has a boyfriend and Jade is engaged, and I hate cheating. I'm trying to not be judgemental about it, but its hard when I saw how hurt Jen was.
I think work is going to be slightly awkward tonight. I hope it isn't, but I just have that feeling.

Other than that, everyone got on, and it was a good, if expensive night. Sky had £300 behind the bar, and it lasted less than an hour.

I still haven't been payed from my work, I get paid on Wednesday, and its going to be rush of christmas shopping. Heading to Kirkaldy on do some shopping, actually I mean all my shopping. I have my little sister a necklace, but that's about it. I don't even know what I'm getting everyone. *sigh*

I don't understand how I'm so far behind on shopping, I mean its not like christmas sneaks up on us every year. Its always the same. I am getting worse and worse about buying, because I feel like ignoring it, and it won't come. I've been doing that way too much lately. Its not just presents, its my bills, I just ignore them, and end up getting in a lot of bother. Its like I feel like I'm trying to get my feet cleared, but the banks and things just keep on charging me. I mean its not fair. How am I supposed to help myself when I go to the bank, and all they can offer is a paid account, which still limits me on my overdraft.

Stupid everything.

Blah

Get this.

First deadline for ALL my college work next week, and guess who is probably going to miss said deadline?

That's right. MEEEEE! (what a good guess)
The worrying thing is that I am not as stressed as I probably should be. Which is odd. I am usually at panic stations, but all I want to do is do other things. Such as drawing my character (whose name has changed from Kaiko to Kako).

Talking about Kako, I have went crazy drawing her. Its like I have been drawing her loads, and its the only thing I seem to have any productivity for. Its odd cause as a kid, I used to have all these dreams about 'foxy-people' and its like it is now I've finally found a way to put these thoughts into something productive. I felt that if i could start on something productive, I could transfer it across to my college work, which is easier said than done. I just can't focus at all.

Its like all I do right now is college and work, and that's it. Its driving me fecking mental.

So...umm

Yeah, I skipped College today. There was 2 reasons for it.

1) I am skint and my bus pass ran out yesterday, so physically can't afford college, unless I chance it with an out of date bus pass. Which I don't want to do, cause they may just take the pass off me, including my college card. Which they have done before.

2) I was very, very upset yesterday. Im hoping I am just 'dipping' because my meds have been changed, but I dont think thats it. I was so close to phoning the Samartians because I just wanted to throw myself of something and end it all. Pretty severe, when you think that the medication is supposed to stop me feeling like that. But after I blogged, I went to the toilets and had a cry.

*sigh*
Anyways. I lay in bed this morning reading Death Note, and feeling sorry for myself. When I am like that, I am better just lying, locked away from everyone, cause I'll just say something stupid.

I still haven't done any work, although I sat and drew at my work last night. I say I draw, it wasn't anything spectacular, but it was all I could do from walking out of my work last night, and never going back. Whats bugging me, is that how am I supposed to make sure I am doing everything for a customer, when the call center manager is on my back telling me to hurry up and get on the next call. If I need to email another department, I can't. And that is not helping me at all, when I am feeling this stressed.


Just focusing on Saturday, where I'll be up in Aberdeen with two of my oldest friends, Sharon and Gemma. Its Gemma's birthday night out. I'm just looking to clear my head, so am really looking forward to it. Its kind of like the light at the end of the tunnel. Reminds me, I need to get Gemma and Sharon bday things on Friday, when I get paid.

Shinigami Like Apples

Actually quite happy for a Monday.
Although I have spent all weekend watching and reading Death Note. I seriously am dreading the Hollywood remake of it. They are supposedly moving the story from Japan to LA. The fact that the story is set in Japan, and that that is a major factor throughout the plot. Stupid Hollywood, why can't you leave things alone. Its bad enough I can no longer think of anyone but Zac Efron playing Light, but then they say, he might not do that. Eugh.

Also, why am I the only person who thinks that Misa and Matsuda would have made a good couple, rather than Misa and Light. Both Misa and Matsuda are immature and childish in how they act. I think they'd have this understanding that Light doesn't have with Misa.

Anyways, if you are wondering why there is an absence of college mentioning in this blog, then that is because I have done sweet FA all day and all weekend. Talk about fail. I sat on Cafe World again *rolls eyes*. Well that and was reading stuff on Death Note and Saiyuki. Kinda obsessed with them both.

Get more Death Note on Friday. YAAAAASSSS!!!
I also get paid on Friday. YAAAAASSSS!!!!
And Aberdeen on Saturday. YAAAASSSSS!!!!

*Thats a lot of yass-ing*

*Also incidentally, there is someone called Misa Matsuda lol*

*yawn*

Was pretty productive again today at college. When I say productive, it means I was working on my project all the time I was in college. I stayed away from the computers, so I wasn't distracted by facebook, or twitter. I mean I waste all my free time, on stupid things such as them. Its always FarmVille and Bejewelled that I spend ages on. Don't get me wrong, I love playing stupid games, but its horrible when I know I have more important things I should be doing. I am spending ages on my thumbnails, which is me being behind. I was supposed to be on developement, so I'm a stage behind. But I am putting a hell of a lot of work on it now, which is something I wasn't doing before.

In the money front, I was budgeting my £14 for the rest of the week (till I get paid next friday) and my dad said 'I can give you £20 if you want'. And I thought 'woo hoo' more money to spend -.- That is not the way this is supposed to go. Let me budget, and I can make money last, but give me more, and I'll just spend it all on nothing, probably. *rolls eyes* I mean I have already had a loaner of Paul, a mate a college, and I really don't want to be owing more people money. Its not like I don't pay it back, its just I hate having to resort to borrowing. I am in such a mess this month. I am writing out an action plan for when my wages come back, and who I owe money to.

I usually get paid £700ish, so I pay £80 for digs
£39.for phone
£50 for nationwide
£50 for Mint
£20 to Paul
£20 to dad, if i take it.
So thats about £260. Which is ok, if I can do that.

Big If.

Productive

So, today was rather productive at college. Ok, I did sleep in again, but thats because it takes me till at least 4am to get to sleep. So when I do get to an unconcious state, I end up sleeping through my alarm, which is no good.

Anywho, handed in outcome 2 for vis com and worked on my Graphic Design sketch book. I feel happy with myself about that. Although I have been doing some work for my graphic design class, I am still way behind from where I need to be. Which is just bloody frustrating.Gonna try and do some more work for it tonight whilst at work, like between calls or something.

 Looks like its going to be another Freesat night, where customers call, and I can do very little. -.- Its very annoying, because I only have access to one system, and thats the one that runs the paid sky accounts on it. So freesat customers call and expect me to access their info, and I cant. Its annoying, and I can tell some of the customers are not happy about it. But its not my fault, I'm getting calls, I dont have the facility to deal with. I can order them new viewing cards, but thats it. Grrr

Also discovered my bus pass runs out next Tuesday, so I wont be able to get to college, and im gonna struggle with work too. *bangs head off wall* I never have enough money -.- So thats what I need, just as we are approaching project hand-ins, days off.

Music Monday

Well, what can I say?

Its still Monday, and I'm still not caught up on college stuff. *sigh*

 I am trying, but I always find more interesting things to do. Mostly reading or drawing something with that's got bog all to do with college work. I think I have a mental problem, where I see things I should do, and ignore it and waste my time on something else. Ok, Im not wasting my time. I am drawing, which makes me happy, so its not a waste.

 Been listening to SS-Kaliert today, and I love them. They are a German Punk band, and I have been obsessed with them for a while. I want their hoodie, well ist not theirs, but its a SS-Kaliert hoodie. I <3 A.G.or (wait for it) Benni. Ha bet noone saw that one coming. I have a thing for the name Benjamin obviously. Actually I love them all. lol. Its strange because I can't speak a word of German, and thats what they sing in. I like that, because I can't help feeling that if a band sings in English, there is something fake about it. Probably because usually the songs are written in their mother tongue, then translated into English. So SS-Kaliert dont have that problem. SS-Kaliert is taken from 'Es Eskaliert' which is German for 'It Escalates'.

Also liking an Italian ska band called Redska. Again this band sing in Italian, so I have no idea what they're saying, but they are so energetic, it doesn't matter. So they are on my ipod right now.

That weekend feeling again

Had Sarah's party last night, and it was pretty fun. :)

Got a wee bit hammered and had no sleep, but still fun. I was histerically laughing at a Christmas Pudding in Sarah's kitchen, and I can not for the life of me understand why it was so funny. But me and Paul were chatting in the kitchen, and I couldn't stop laughing. lol. I'm a wierdo.

I think I may have got an hours sleep, when I think about it. Was lying on the couch whilst Dale and Reilly watched tv. Also been chatting to Rachel, a girl I went to Vet Nursing with in Glasgow. We were quite close, and she randomly added me today. So she's maybe coming down to Dunfermline so might get to see her. Which will be so nice. I like meeting old friends as well as new ones. :)

Firday the 13th

Isn't Friday the 13th supposed to be unlucky? I'm asking because today has been an alright day. I woke up to having £2 in my pocket, so I raked my room and found another 8 pound coins and a heepload of change. So I took the change and went to Asdas and put it in the change counter machine, where it counts all the money you have, and gives you a voucher you can spend on store for the value of the change ypu give it. Well I got over £19. So I went into Asdas and got beer for Sarah's party tomorrow, and left in Dales car, as he is picking us up tomorrow to go to Hill of Beith.

Gonna be well good, actually quite excited about that. No had a drink since Halloween, and even that wasn't very much.

Also Death Note is on Film4 tonight. :D So happy at that, I am going to order the DVDs, but it'd be nice to see them first. The films are based on a manga series, which I love. <3 Its about a guy who finds a notebook, called a 'Death Note'. It has been dropped by a shingami (grim reaper) called Ryuk. Once a name is written in this death note, if the writer has their face in mind, then they will die. It is really quite good, and I am reading my way through the manga as well.

So unless work is diabolical, its been a rather nice Friday the 13th

Total Crabbit

Everything about me today, just screams out 'leave me alone'. I mean my mohawk, Dr Martins and chains just scream out niceness. I'm just in a really bad mood. I couldn't sleep last night, and think I eventually got some sleep around 5am. I need to get up at 7, but because I hadn't had much sleep, I slept straight through my alarm, and woke up at 9.10. I started at 9. So I got up, got ready and went for the bus. Found out that some bill I forgot about came out my bank and I am left with £15 till the end of the month. So no happy.

I just wanna lie in my bed and never wake up. I hate this bit, because my medication was changed yesterday, so I am kinda at the point were my old meds are stopping working, and my new ones haven't kicked in, yet. It irks me rather badly. So I am sitting at the computers in college listening to music and just being in a wee world of my own. Thank god for my ipod, its really good at giving me noise to filter out the voices in my head.

I'm kinda wanting to do work for my graphic design project, but I left it all at home, just fantastic isn't it? So I am dreading what is round the corner for me, as I have a feeling this will only get worse. *sigh* But thats just ne and my immense positivity at the moment. The thing is, I am just so not in the mood for any shit. I don't need much of an excuse. It doesn't help that the three most distracted people in the class came around me and started fannying about, so I gave up and went onto facebook, and started FishVille a game where you buy, sell and raise fish. :/ Yeah when I need distracted, obviously anything will do.

Eventful day

had my doctors appointment today, and I have been told I have borderline-schizophrenia. Fun. *rolls eyes* I kinda had been expecting that, I mean after what I had been advised before. Its just a bit like, 'oh, now what'. It feels like, all they've done is given the way I'm feeling a name. It could have been called anything, and it really wouldn't change the way I feel. It just means its another entry in my medical history and another medication, to see if it works better than the last one. Thats what has to be done, the doctor said, a bit of trial and error. When I said I was depressed, people say 'everyone has days like that', when I mention about the schizophrenia, people don't say anything, they change the subject. And that hurts so much. I want to talk to my friends, but they do say 'well I have worse problems'. And you know what, thats not my fault. Do they think I am doing this to get attention? I'd do anything to stop thinking like this. To stop feeling that every person who says something nice to me is lying, or is wanting something from me. So my overthinking means that I can't trust anyone.

*sigh*

Because I was, obviously, in a mood, I switched on my ipod and managed to actually get work done for my project, which is to be handed in tomorrow. And that has made me feel better, just cause it looks a lot better. Still got loads to do though, think I'll be up all night tonight trying to get it done. Saying that, I may scan in work I was going to do last night, before the power cut off. Yeah the power failed last night, which ended up in me playing around on photoshop. Till my laptop battery died.

Oh, doctor wants me to quit work. I can't. Im the only earner at my house at the moment, and I cant go on the sick, cause I will lose my job. Yeah, don't be sick, or sky will fire me. Fucking pish, the lot of it.

Tuesday Tuna?

Ok I couldn't think of anything to go with Tuesday. lol

I stayed behind cause I decided that I would do some college work. Well, guess what, I'm obviously not.  The most productive I  have got is demoloshing this packet of Hula Hoops I am demolishing. -.- Oh well. Decided because I am working later, and the copy and paste fucntion at work is rather sucky, I am gonna do my blogging here, at college. What? At least its better than wasting more of my time on blasted Bejewelled.

I am becoming known as the most frequent blogger in college, mostly because I am the only one who does it. *eye roll* I think I do it way too much, personally, but I can't help it when I like to write shit.  I already talk enough useless garbage, so I don't think the peeps in my life would appreciate it if I  times that by ten. I love college, and I don't mind work either, but I have a lot of gumpf in my head, that wants to escape. So rather than spew it all on the beautiful peoples around me, I blog.  *thinks* I am truely sorry for the visual that may have produced.

 

Also Meme time---

It's November and this month is about giving thanks, tell us a few of the musical things that you are thankful for, be it albums, shows you've seen, electronics you've bought etc. Whatever has made your musical life better in the last year.

Seriously, probably SS Kaliert. I really got into Deustch Punk  in the last year, and this was the band that got me into that whole scene. Have been to see them twice, and they are the nicest bunch of guys. Its always a great experience meeting one of your favourite bands, when they are so nice.

 

Error

Sorry, been focusing on getting my Livejournal up to date. Gonna start X-posting again cause this needs to be updated. I looks awful sad, because I haven't updated in a while.

For that I am sorry. I always forget to blog, as I am lazy, and really cant be bothered logging on to sites, just to have no one read my stuffs. But then, I realised that is not the reason I started an blog. I blog because I find it therapeutic, as odd as that sounds.

I have been blogging a lot of Good Charlotte stuffs at the moment. So from now on everything apart from my fictions will be posted here.

Anywho, laters.

Looking for answers, the only replies are blank stares.

Kinda happy, kinda arty, still kinda bleuch.

Great isn't it?
Despite me seeming happy with life and its goings on, there is still this nagging feeling in the back of my mind. Ugh.

I dunno why I do that.

If everything is going ok, I just get out my big mental spade, and dig myself a hole. That would maybe continue untill my head explodes. Or till something distracts me. Which to be honest, doesn't take much.

I kick myself on how shit life is, and blame it all on shitty circumstances. It is ALWAYS me who puts myself in these circumstances.

Aargh. I am, quite plainly, getting on my own bloody nerves.

Screw it all, I'm away to bed.

Oh, well

Been spending the last 3 hours staring at this damn computer, wanting to get work done for tomorrow, but on my 4th week back, I have reached another mental block. Which is irritating as hell.

I am trying to make sure I have all my pieces for Laura's multimedia class tomorrow, but my brain isn't co-operating. I don't know if that by taking a break in Aberdeen, I have been left more tired and exhausted. Well I have decided, I am going to blether a bit of rubbish, stick everything in my book, then make the book better, by writing and drawing a few bits on it. I don't know how much I'll get done, but we'll see.

This weekend in Aberdeen was fab, but I saw two of my closest friends, strong women, who were upset over men. I just hate it how people are so selfish to not think of another person, and lead them on, or pretend to care about them. Its the pressure, I mean one relationship ends, then we have that self doubt telling us we will be alone forever.

Its not that thought of being alone, I want to know where the idea came from that being alone is such a bad thing? Its nature for people feeling the want to be around others, but I'm sick of people thinking there is something wrong with me for being single for over a year and a half. I mean at the end of the day, we are born alone, we die alone. No matter what happens in the middle, the unevitable things in life we do alone-birth and death.

Damn, thats awful morbid for a Monday!

Thinking thoughts

Due to me spending most of today on my own, I have been inside my own head, thinking waaay to much. About a lot of different things. Mostly, about how someone says something to me, and my head manages to completely distort the comment, usually into something negative about myself.



Take yesterday for example. After a day out looking round galleries, me and a few people went to the pub. We ended up talking about last year, and how there was a lot of bitching going on. And Sarah said that everyone seems to like me, that she'd never heard anyone speak negatively of me. Now, most people would be happy with that and think that they are a nice person to everyone, so would hope that people would like me in return. But, I over think. So what should have been positive, ended up me thinking that 'if everyone liked me, who come everytime I need someone noone is around? How come noone is there for me'?



But then I was I that automatic thinking of 'they like me, but not enough'? That is very possible, as I have long held a habit of where I make problems for myself. But thats putting the basis of my feelings on to other people, and holding them responsible if anything goes wrong. Which, I am trying to get myself to avoid doing. But then again, it is a well known trait of human behaviour. Its self defence. Its easier to blame someone else for what you have done wrong, rather than admit that it is due to your own failings. Its a hard thing to get a grasp off. But I think I will be a lot happier if I can get it into my head, that it is ok to muck things up sometimes.



Its not that I am a perfectionist, far from it, I just feel that the only way I can be happy with what I have, is to take responsibility for what happens.

Love- Con?

After watching way too much Sex And The City this weekend, and reading a news paper article on love 'hoaxes', I decided a blog was in need. :)

Apparantly with the influx of dating websites on the internet, there is now a trend of people being 'duped' by fakes. As with most internet cons, the main idea is to make money out of insuspecting victims. There has been cases of people going to meet their 'online lover' and are ditched, coming home to find that their home has been broken into. I thought, people were aware the dangers of giving out privatye information on line? I mean my 11 year old sister, has a fake name and town name she uses when on various online sites, because they have all been told that the internet runs on imagination.

Which is a good point. I mean, a large precentage of the internet is articles, blogs with people waxing lyrical about subjects with no major significance (ahhem-no comment). But with it feeling like you are contacting another world, a world where anyone can have hundreds of Facebook friends and feel so popular. Which in all honesty is no bad thing. I mean I have many friends, which I have made online. But when the satisfaction of your 'online life' outranks that of you boring real life, it's not to easy to get wrapped up in what you are seeing.

Some people also find it hard to distinguish the difference between online and reality. And if someone gains some affection whether its online or not, of course it is going to feel great. But to actually get to the point, that this person you are emailing, and PM-ing is actually a real person. When in reality, a huge part of the intense feeling of love is partially in the persons head, they want to feel intensity and want to be in a relationship, so their imagination harbours these intense feelings. Bear in mind that these feelings, do not come from the figurative heart, it comes straight from the head (I am a major love cynic). It doesn't help that it is scientifically proven, that the feelings of love come from pre-concieved teachings that we are taught from an early age. Why are we taught about love? Because love leads to marriage, and marriage encourages people to settle down, reproduce and generally keep the ecconomy. Infatuation, that happens when you first meet a person you get on famously with, is sold as love. That love is natural. Love does exist, but the reason so many marriages end in divorce these days is because love is no longer an emotion, it is a strong marketing tool and it has you in its sights.

Just like how young girls are sold magazines filled with tips on dating, and finding the right man. This isn't information, this isn't even supply and demand, this is brainwashing. Having a man, does not equal a successful woman, but this is what is sold to people hoping to 'turn their lives around'. As if meeting a man, is going to immediately lurn you life around. Its just no more a pipe dream than wanting to be a celebrity ( a whole other topic).

People should learn that only they can be held responsible for making their life better, if they don't take responsibilty, they cannot blame others for making benefits out of their failure of realism.

Inspiration- artists

I am currently trying to drum together lots of things, which inspire me in work, and what I do. ]

I am going to look at all the artists, both graphic and traditional that inspire me.
The first one, is an artist I talk about frequently. Salvador Dali. I love his obscure images he created. The fact that he was so incentric and was amzing at attracting attention to himself and promoting his work. Which in any type of art, is necessary. You need to have the courage and belief to promote yourself and your work. And thats what I took from him.

I also admire Kat Von D. I know it sounds a bit 'off' naming her as an artist. But aside from the profile she has provided to the tattooing world, she also has an ever increasing portfolio of work, that she does, alongside the day job. She has a very good outlook on life, and I like that. Again she is another artist, who believes in endless self-promotion. But in a world where artists, no matter what the genre, have to do some self promotion, if they want to succeed. So if you cannot sell yourself, and your work, then there is no point in looking for an artistic career. She also takes a huge influence from music, which is one is my main influence in life in general. She also has a habit of overworking herself, which is something people are constantly telling me I do.

John Constable is another one of my favourite artists. I love how he came out against what was the trend at the time, which was a lot of drawing from imagination and things. He believed taht he had to take art from what was directly in front of him. He is noted as saying that 'beauty in the world, is noticing its imperfections, that in itself is perfection'. I think that is great, as not every leave you see is not identical and they are all different. Although his work was very upmarket, they are genuinely beautiful images.

Charlie Harper is another influencial artist. He is lead singer for a punk band called the UK Subs, and he also produces his own art work. I first saw his work two years ago at a punk festival, called Rebellion, which I go to every year. He shows a lot of urban. grunge style work, and his work comes across as if he is frustrated. Many strong emotions are shown in art. I love the idea that Charlie doesn't feel that just because he is succesful with music that he should stick with that, and he does well at art also.

progress

I had a bit of a lie in today, before I headed into college.

Well, actually, I went and booked myself in for a tattoo, for Friday first. Its going to be two dices one with a '3' and the other at '4'. Its going to have the dices warped and melting, with blue flames, as if the dices are on fire. Ok, it sounds wierd, but I think its gonna be cool. Oh, and its gonna be on my forearm, so.....this sleeve I want to get is well on its way. Coincidentally, the sum of the numbers which is on the dices are 7 and this will be my seventh tattoo. Odd.

 Also did work at college O.o

I finished outcome 1 for Creative Industries and handed it to Chris.

I did my own information/ report thing for Information design

and then it was time to head to work. Busy, busy.

College.

Everything is pretty much back to normal. 9-4.30 is college, 6-11 is work.

Any extra time is spent on college work, or additional personals. I feel like I can cope with it all, but we'll see how long that lasts. I am trying to keep myself motivated with everything. I mean its quiet at work, and I have been doing research for college prijects.

 Main things I need to sort:

*Creative Industries- present outcome 1 on a board for Chris

*Mixed Media- see if I can finish that dreaded frame

*Scan in work, deviant has been a bit neglected---oops

*Adobe. Adobe suite NEEDED. Seeing as my laptop decided to feck it all up.

*External harddrive- Need to buy me one. So I can store things without having to panic that the laptop will fail

And pretty much, try and stay on top of things. Well, I guess time will show how that will go.

The Product of Sex And The City boxset

Sitting watching Sex and The City, and it always makes me wanna blog. Funny that.

It just makes me think about relationships with other people. I mean, I am a friendly person, and unless you are mean to me, I’ll be nice to you. But I always find myself in the situation, that people don’t seem to invite me out. This leads me to spend many lame nights in on Foxy Bingo. I try and organise something, and it always ends up just me and Paul. Not that I mind that, because I’m sure I have talked his ears off with my shitty life story more than once. Its like everyone else has better offers. Its like ‘yeah I would, but I prefer my other friends’. And that feeling just drives me mad. Maybe I think about it too much, but it has always felt like a major flaw in my life. Its probably paranoia, but its the only thing in my life which I feel is holding me back. I mean I have a job, which to be honest is pretty stable. I am back at college, and am totally at peace with it, and am planning my projects and things already. And I am also feeling very creative, and am sketching on top of my college work, and I think that the sketch book will be finished within the next couple of weeks.

So the fact that I seem to have this inhability to get myself anywhere close to the field of dating, feels like the only thing holding me back. I mean, if you are unable to go out regularly, how can you ever expect to get anyone. Its not like I get on with my daily life, thinking ‘there is one person and she will never pass me by’. Because I find that a rather niave way of looking at things, or maybe its me who is the niave one? Is it stupidity, that I seem to excuse myself from even attempting to get into that type of relationship?

I think its where my self-punishment kicks in, telling myself that if I really was such a nice person as I think I am, then why am I single and alone. Why have I been to scared to even go near someone, in a relationship sense, in over a year. Yep, the notorious Sam. Seriously the first time I could admit to myself that I was gay, happened with her. But nothing lasts forever, and as I let myself into her flat, I found her and some blonde bitch in bed together. I have never ever been so hurt in my life. I mean, I had always thought that emotional pain, so severe, you feel it physically, was a load of horse shit. But to be honest, I live with tendonitis (pre-cursor to arthritis) and I have been so sore I can’t walk, but it was so unbeleivable painful. I mean I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack.

So I think that my head is trying to put barriers in my own way to stop that happening again. I mean, honestly, its the only thing I feel is making me feel low at the moment. There is answer somewhere, I hope.

But I can't help but feel that the weekend is very boring when you are restricted in the cashflow situation.

It means a weekend of me, in the house, bored out my face. I can prove that I can live on no money, seeing as I have lived on nothing since I came back from Blackpool. But as soon as I get any money, its gone within a week. And its always the same, every month. I have no voice in my head telling me not to spend that money, so it just burns an almighty hole in my pocket. Which kinda freaks me out about this next dose of wages. It is looking to be almost double pay, and I need to pay all my bills when I get money. Credit cards first. Credit cards should come with a warning that they are hazardous to one's health. I mean you think they are giving you extra options, but they all want you to spend a fortune so that you can pay endless amounts of interest. Its all a con. And the banks are the same. The take 3 days before and 3 days after any dates you ask for a payment to be taken out, to process the thing. This could mean that they will take the payment out 3 days earlier than you ask for. Which may end up with you being charged, for having no money in your bank. The only good financal thing which has happen lately, is the fact that SAAS told me that I am able to get a loan. Which gives me about an extra £300 a month. Which has its negatives, I mean thats more money to burn a bigger hole. But, if i pay all my bills first, then the rest of the money is mine. Which is what I should do every month, but for some odd reason I don't. The lack of art mentioning in my reccent blogs, should tell you how motivated I am. Well, I seem to spend all my time at home playing Sonic or watching Red Dwarf. As sad as that sounds. Also being doing some looking around websites, for clothes for a sea themed party I am going to in October. I found this Horrorpops striped shirt which had a skull and crossbones on it. It looked so cool, but it was out of stock, and no other website has it. Very irritating

Yeah, well...

I have been off work today, and wanna know what I have done? Watch tv.
I usually can't be fussed with tv, but I watched so much of it today, it makes up for my usual month worth of tv viewing.
Take soaps, for instance, I watched Eastenders, Hollyoaks, Nieghbours and Coronation Street (i think Hollyoaks was the only one that held my attention though). I spent all afternoon watching Red Dwarf series 2, which in my opinion is the best comedy the BBC have ever shown. Watched some Top Gear, and this thing about trying to get the unemployed jobs. And now I am perched on the couch watching Sex in the City.

I know it sounds really lame, but that programme taught me more about sex and relationships than school ever did. The only thing about it, is that it makes me wish that I was in a relationship. Its not that I don't enjoy my own company, cause I love chilling on my own. Its just it would be nice to have someone other than my cat to cuddle up to. I dunno, I guess everyone goes through that.

Its funny Miranda is going through the same crisis on Sex in the City. The whole I'm going to die alone and my cat will eat my face. Saying that, Billy would probably eat my arm, then raid the fridge. lol.

New obsession. When i am on my own, i had the habit of eating crisps. But now, its drinking loads of tea. Never been a tea drinker, but it keeps me from being bored, and eating myself to an early grave. I mean I dont want to waste my summer of walking (the only resolution for the summer that stuck), by eating crap. I mean, I am at the stage where i am wanting to register for the gym. I have never ever wanted to do that. But walking to work, has made me feel so much more possitive, as odd as that sounds.

Thinking about going swimming at the wing every saturday. Its not to busy

Techology? Enough please.

I seriously can't take it.
After the almighty Windows fail of yesterday, I switched on my laptop today and it tells me their is no audio device driver. It was there last night. How did it vanish over night.
I did manage to go to the HP site and download it, and i have it now.
Crazy.

I am supposed to be tidying up, but I obviously got distracted by important things, like blogging.
I am finishing my flag drawing. Which is supposed to be a tattered flag, and the message is going to be like a thing like 'how united is country where its lying in tatters' or something like that.

Also been inspired by the reccent Harry Potter competition http://news.deviantart.com/article/86393/ and am aiming to create something for Fleur Delacour for Wednesday the 29th July. Whether or not I am ready for then will mean that I'd have to hold off till friday the 31st. (which may well happen as I am working all day Monday, tuesday, Wednesday of that week).
I have something in my head very blue, and ice queen like, mostly because she is part Veela, and that is how I imagine the Veelas being in my head.

Backwards in coming forwards

This morning I went to switch on my laptop to get a message saying that Windows was unable to boot. I couldn't even start windows in safe mode.
I phoned HP and was on the phone for 45 minutes between 4 different numbers and was offered no help. Which was a major pain in the ass.
I then phoned the Tech Guys, who supply my cover from Currys, and was on the phone to them for 5 minutes and they got things moving again.
The only issue is that I had to return the laptop to the factory settings, so its back to square one and I have nothing on my pc.
The only good thingabout that is that I now have photoshop cs4 trial installed. Hooray.
I'm having to put loads of songs back into my itunes again.

I am so happy, I thought it was going to end up costing me money and it hasn't.
I can't say how relieved I am

Not so much fail as I thought

Well, despite all my whining I was doing before, I am not as bad off as I thought I was.
I am still motivated, so I have been doing a lot of drawings in my sketchbook and that. So I am still being creative. Just being a bit peeved I have to use MS Paint to scan anything in, which is just in inconvienience really. I mean Paint is pants.
I have been playing with Corel Painter, but you need a lot of practice to work it properly. I can make a good mess on it though

I did eventually get round to painting my hand (no, not that one), which I don't hate. I love watercolour, and its nice to be able to use it too let of some frustration.

I have an another attendance hearing at work. Oops, maybe I should cut down on the sicky days. I have tried, and its not my fault I had the flu. I mean I couldn't talk, so I couldn't do my job. Stupid work.

Anyway, I am enjoying my job more, and despite being more skint than I ever thought possible, I am generally quite happy.

Slightly anxious about the whole brother/army/Afghanistan thing, but I have already blogged my two cents about that http://riotgraphics.blogspot.com/2009/07/government-govern.html

But, for once in my life, I am chilled and happy.
Something tells me to make the best of it whilst I still can.

Oh, and because I have been listening to Black Flag and Anti-Flag all day and am in fact drawing a flag, its Flag Day. So happy flag day

Headache

Why the hell have I become so dependant on computer software. I mean I never used to use anything, just paint and draw. And now the software has gone tits up, I feel so lost.

I think I like the security that I can view pieces on my computer, before I post them. I have a hand I am going to paint, and then Im going to scan in my sketch book.  I'll get that all done tonight.

Its kinda nice to focus on painting and that. I mean I spent all afternoon yesterday sitting painting in the garden. Which was something I haven't done in forever.  And it felt so nice.

I have totally fell in love with art reccently, and it is such a stressbuster in my life, and I can't say how much I appreciate being able to do things like paint and draw. Its been such a major part in my whole life, and it always will be.

The best thing about coming back to my art, is that I am to see where I've improved. Like my portraits are slightly less alien-looking that what they used to be. And I can also see my own style developing with my draw, which I suppose is me showing the way I feel most comfortable.  I suppose I am quite a sketchy drawer, but I like looking at things like that as well.

I suppose it shows a lot of expression, and I like that in comparission to works which are strict and realistic. I mean of course that is beautiful, but to me it may not express me, personally. Which is why I got into art.

Summer of fail

Ok, now one of the main things I need to edit my paintings and drawings i have done is photoshop. And my Adobe CS3 has 'fatal errored' over the last two days, leading to me deinstalling the whole thing.

Pain.:S

I dont have a working copy at home. So I thought I could install the CS4 trial untill I could get CS3 back. But the stupid thing is refusing to install.

So before I had a dead CS3, and now i have an uninstallable cs4. And the Adobe website is useless in giving any support. The tool they give, can't even detect the photoshop files I'm having an issue with. So good help there, Adobe. Pat on the back for you.

I am giving it a break, I'm deleting it all and starting from square one tomorrow. Despite me whining a lot, this blog is to say that I am not gonna be uploading much in the next while (unless someone can give me my beloved cs3 back).

I may photograph my sketchbook, and paintings and the like. I have like 3 commissions that i cannot do, I am sending them photos of sketches and stuff, and its going ok so far. But I can't do anything digitally.

I feel like I've lost a limb. :(

Todays work

Day 5 and I'm still going strong. I have produced a lot of work so far.  Although I have been saying I'd do two pieces a day, the last few days I have been doing at least 3. I also have 2 mixed media pieces which just need to be finished.I have decided that if I keep this up, I will have enough stuff to filter down to make a half decent portfolio.  I can just edit out everything I don't like. I am getting the hang of more tools on photoshop which is why I am doing this in the first place.

Work done today (18th June)

Todays work (17/08)

To update my two pieces of work a day. These are what I have done today. A digital piece and a mixed media one.





As well as doing these, I also walked the seven miles from Inverkeithing to Dunfermline, in the rain. Not my brightest moment.

Todays work

Summer fun

Not exciting as it should be this year, mostly cause I'm having to be restrictive with my cashflow. :/

Plan is to force myself into being creative regularly. I know it sound odd, but I really cannot mess up college again next year. So by motivating myself over the summer, I hope that I can continue it into college.
My aim is to create 2 pieces per day. That includes when I go out places.
It can be traditional or digital, as long as I attempt to do something.
Hopefully, when I get in the swing of things, I will continue this work ethic.
Thats what it is, because its no longer just a passtime. I am hoping to make a living out of this. So I need to stop kidding on and be serious.

On a good note, walked the two miles to work today, which sounds good. If I hadn't lazed around all weekend doing very little, cept eat.

I swear I am two steps forward, one step back.
So that this has a better feel, I will also be posting any creations on here and all my blogs. This is to show I am an active worker, and to create like a show of my work.

Inspiration

Still in bed sick, so have been reading plenty of articles on many topics. From the issues of Google providing all services for free, to more stuff on advertising.  Trying to keep my brain active.

But the articles I enjoy reading the most, are the ones that give you a genuine insite to the artist, and lets you know what makes them tick. It gives any of their work you see, a whole new different level, because you may be able to understand where they are coming from.

I take a lot of my inspirtion from the world around me. Like when I was younger, I had this vivid imagination, which would almost paint the world around me. It was like everything was created in a way that i would connect it. Like I remember, there was a big paper mill near where I grew up. I used to picture it as a huge sculpture, and it used to amaze me. Whilst this building was hated in the town, mostly because of its massive size, I loved it. I think its because it was there, and no-one could stop it, despite what people said about it.

[caption id="attachment_69" align="alignnone" width="448" caption="papermill Near where i used to live"][/caption]

Unfortunately, the mill hasn't been used for many years, and its supposed to be getting knocked down to build houses on. This saddens me. This is a huge peice of local history, and I do think its beautiful. If I had the money I'd buy it and restore it. I mean It could be used for art space, it could document the paper industry and the impact it had on the local area. But no. The council can make more money from knocking it down, and build houses that only commuters from Edinburgh can afford. This old building has given a lot to the community, is it not time the community look after it, rather than make more indenti-kit houses.

That kind of thing makes my blood boil, rather than look after what we have already got, and make it usable, we erase everything and start again. Its disgraceful. But this is the kind of thing which motivates me. Because I hope, that maybe I can create something, which has an effect on someone, the way that old Mill effected me. If you can make one person think about something which wouldn't usually cross their mind, are you not doing your job as an artist. After all is that not what all designers, artists, actors, musicians, etc,  want? To be able to challenge thoughts, and start discussions.

I guess my attitude on art and things, is also shown by my taste of music. I am a major punk fan. I love the music, the style and the messages they convey. On the outside, people always see the punk movement as being very restrictive and monotonous. But when you become a part of the movement, or even see it up close, it is very motivational. The punk ethos is usually seen as doing things for yourself, and saying 'fuck you' to those who come against you. Which can be translated as saying, push yourself, despite what stands in your way.

The way I look at it is, that there is only one person in this world who can create your path in life, and its you. So you need to take responsibility and take your life where you want it to go. Too many people use excuses as to why they haven't done what they wanted in life. If you haven't tried your best at something, how can you complain that you are unsatisfied? If you haven't put in your all, how can you switch the blame onto someone else?

But that's what I like to surround myself with, things which make me motivated. As I want to give myself every chance at getting what I want out of life.

Mass importance

I am so ill. On Friday I felt like I was coming down with the flu, after coughing and sneezing my way through the week. I was thinking I was getting on top of it all and today I've been coughing so bad I've actually vomited. I know, so attractive I thought I'd share. Very charming I know.

But the bad thing is that due to me being laid up, I have progressed very little in my work, so I thought I'd just come on here and write a bit. Try and distract me a bit from my current state, so I apologise in advance as this has a tendency of turning into a bit of a rant.

Anyway, I was reading an article by Josh Madden, on Evil Monito(http://evilmonito.com/author/josh/). He wrote an article about luxury necessities. Things like Channel loo roll. Its crazy, but it does make a point. It tells you what people will spend money on if it has the right name or logo on it. Its crazy. But I guess that's how powerful logos can be. I mean, its getting that right design, which people can relate to that specific company or product. I suppose that would be one of my aims as a graphic designer to create a successful logo. And have it actually do its job.

The fact that people will follow a logo blindly. A factory in China, makes two pairs of trainers, one pair gets a Nike 'tick' sewn on the side, and the other one is plain, and gets sent to the a budget store. The budget one will sell for under £10, where the Nike one, will cost at least £35, despite them coming from the same place. Which is completely crazy. People automatically think that  if they pay more money then it has better quality. But more often in reality, its the tiny label which advertises a company that you are paying for.

Its rather disconcerting that in this day and age, especially with the whole recession thing, that people are willing to blindly spend so much money. Is it good advertising that a television has went from a luxury to a necessity, or is it brainwashing? Have we been told what we need, rather than us deciding for ourselves? Its difficult to find out which is true, whether we are actually making our own purchasing decisions, or  are they already made on our behalf?

It is a very worrying thought, with all the advertising now in society, how many decisions are of our own free will? It is crazy, when you think about it. For instance Coca-Cola is one of the worlds most popular brands. Now, when you walk around you daily tasks, notice how heavily Coke is advertised. Its in the canteen, on the sides of bus shelters, in magazines, on TV and as on websites. That's not counting that whenever you go into a shop which sells newspapers, they have shelves of Coke, and possibly even a branded fridge. So whether you actually look at these blatant advertisements or not, you subconsciously take in the information. So when it comes to lunch time and you need a drink, the good old Coca-Cola, jumps straight out at you, because the advertising has worked. So is it free will that you buy that Cola, instead of a Tango?

I don't quite know. It is free will in a way that, yes you do decide to purchase particular product. But the sheer volume of advertisements pushing that product into your face, that does also affect your decision.

Kick start this

I am trying to motivate myself to do my college work, which has to be due in on Monday. That is a lot better as I have all weekend to concentrate on doing work. In an ideal world. I am planning to cut and die my hair tomorrow, going a lovely lime green. Ok, that is me just distracting myself again. If you have read any of my previous posts you'll know I'm very good.

Trying to get myself back into drawing and painting, hopefully this will help me regain my passion for art. Which is a huge part of my life loving. I need to practice drawing figures and that as well. Seeing as I havent drawn any since last year. I think sometimes that all the pressure of deadlines kill my inspiration. Just because the atmosphere can be so tense and I get myself worked up.

Arg.

Motivated out the window

Its happened again, already. I have no motivation,I'm having to force myself to do this animation. I have to hand it in finished, on Friday. Fingers crossed it'll be done on time. Gonna try and do some tonight.

I was going to do it last night, but i was distracted cause everyone in my house was awake. Usually its silence when i go home from work , and it means i can sit in the dining room and get work finished. But not last night. They were all everywhere, and making way too much noise, which is no good when i am so easily distracted.

I am planning in doing a lot of overtime at Sky (call centre) over the next few months, because I could really do with having some extra funds, especially for buying new supplies. A lot of the paints I have, are either run out or have dried out.  I need to get good quality materials. Which I really need. Might get into drawing again. I love art.

Its melted in the heat

First off. what about this heat. It is unbearable, I'd rather it was winter all year round. This is crazy.  College was unbelievably hot.  At least its cooler here at work.

I was working on my animation today, which, thank god, is finally coming together. Its getting handed in on Friday, completed. So it looks like I may hand things in this semester. Woo hoo. I know Im repeating next year, but at least if I do some of the stuff, the second semester wont be quite so stressful. Hopefully.

I am trying not to stress out, and am just trying to get my animation finished at the moment. If I look at all I need to do, I will totally freak out. Which I do like to do, apparently. Im gonna try and get my animation sketch book done tonight when i fiinsh work. And that'd be another thing out of the way.

I have a list, and slowly Im making my way through it.

To do- Finish animation

               Do animation sketch book

              Evaluate animation project

              Finish McDonalds

               Present in final boards

             Make corrections with Graded Unit

             Evaluate Graded Unit

             Present in final boards

            Burn aniamation to CD and design cover

 

Looks a lot more when its written down

Successful or not

OK, today was another medium day, with the volume of work I got done. Web design, was pretty horrible. For the sheer fact, that to operate Dreamweaver I need to concentrate, so I don't make a mistake writing up the CSS, and my mind was going 100 miles in the other direction, its an absolute headache.  Going to try and get Art And Design Context done tonight when I go home after work. So that means another 4 am bedtime.

I feel like I am working so hard at the moment, but because its spread over so many things, its hard to cover everything. I mean I am well chuffed that despite this years college failure, I am still able to pick up jobs on my own.  Its quite a confidence booster.

But with me beating myself up about college, it seems to neutralise itself out. I just have to stay positive, and try to get whats needed done. I'm trying not to panic, but that seems to be what I'm best at.

Picture Post

[caption id="attachment_50" align="alignnone" width="212" caption="Advert for Create not hate"][/caption]

Getting somewhere, a bit late though

Erm, I spent yesterday typing up reports for the photography unit at the college. It would have been ok, if I hadn't spent all weekend on them to have my tutor say that she couldn't access them because the website was palying up. Technology sucks. It wasn't working on Saturday, and now, its playing up again. Grrr.

I spent all day today doing my graded unit. Which ended up ok, the design idea was quite cool. But the presentation to two tutors was absolute fail. I mean, I just talked rubbish for about 10 mins. I did manage to come back with an answer pretty quick sharp, when I was questioned on one of my designs. One of them is a pair of lips with what looks like they are stitched shut. The tutor asked, that if this project is supposed to be giving kids a voice, shouldn't the stitches be coming away? I said that the image is supposed to be of the kid with no way to voice themselves, and its supposed to be distorted and arty. Which it was.

That was good thinking for being on the spot. I dunno. I still feel bad about this whole fail of a college year.

Its not actually that hard

After speaking to friends and my college mates, I had been told that it can be difficult to get a response from companies when looking for free samples. But I emailed, concentrating on the fact that I am starting a new business, and missed out the fact that I was a student. It seemed to have worked because I have two companies who have already got in contact to say they'll send me things.

That is pretty deccent, no one else in my class has got anything. But I think that that they don't bother about  students as they don't want to waste their time, with people who are not really bothered about graphics or art as a profession. And they will send it up free of charge. So quite pleased with myself.

Tips for getting what you want, say that you are a new business, and leave out the student stuff. Also saying that you will promote their company to anyone who requires it.  I suppose it can mean business to them, so its kind of like promotion for them.

Other than that, there has been no process at all today. My brain thought it would have more fun downloading music today. I'll try and do stuff when I go home

Wanted: Paper

I wasn't in college today. So I have been emailing companies for  paper samples. This is something, which as a graphic designer, I have been advised is essential so that I can have a bit more knowlege on the final product. Its because the paper something is printed on, always effects the look of the design. And  if the wrong paper is used, then it can ruin a design rather than make it better. 

I have also been drawing up a new logo design for my company, which will be updated everywhere. And I have got some ideas together for the Devil's Angel artwork. Which is good.

Made no progress on college work though. Which is great, got a free day time tomorrow, so will head in then. Tonight its website update time

Slow Progress

It feels like every thing I am doing at the moment is, two steps forward and one step back.  Which is not the way this is supposed to go.  I am getting there with everything, but I'm just not getting as far on as I would like. But saying that, I am so easily distracted its unbelievable.

Tonight, after work, I would ideally go home and get all my animation prep work done and dusted. But i know what I am like, and I will end up going home and watching a dvd, or playing the Xbox. I love DVDs and I my Xbox, but when I need to be concentrating on work, I have the habit of wondering off and doing my own thing.  Something irrelevent, and that I shouldn't be doing.

I do have this job that I am working on now, which should be getting done this weekend, sending the band information about my ideas by friday, and sort it over the weekend. That will make me really happy, as this is freelance stuff. And helps build me a portfolio. Something I really need to work on. Gonna work on my drawing skills too. I love drawing, and really wanna get back in the 'zone' and do a painting.

The band I'm designing for are called Devil's Angel, and they are a Canadian metal band. I already have ideas in my head and if I can execute it well, all will be good. I hope. I will sketch ideas out tonight and try and post them.

 

I know, I say that I'll post all the time. But I will do it when I get home.

Running from a falling avalanche...of work

Have I said how much I hate this time of year?

Well, I do.  Its approaching the end of the college year, and stress levels are at a high. Saying that, I do have the habit of working myself into a panic, when ever I catch sight of a deadline. But, hey, I suppose thats something I have to get used to when I'm trying to get myself established in the Graphic Design industry.

One example of my panic, is my animation unit. I should be concentrating on finishing the actual final animation, but no. I decide that it'd be a good idea to restart my sketch book, because its not fluent enough and shows no flow of thought, or where I got my idea from. So rather than fill in the missing pieces, I start it all again, in a completly different sketch book. I guess some times my intellegence takes a leave of absence.

On  an extremely high note, I have been asked to design work for an American metal band, and they are going to pay me. I have to send concept drawings away to them by the weekend. Which is another thing I so when I least need to. I get freelance work, when I can't cope with college work on its own. I just need to learn how to cope with the level of work I seem to throw myself into.

I am hoping to do more  updating from home, or at least college, where I'll be able to get more examples of my work up on show. Which would be very nice. But, alas, I tend to update this whilst I work at my job, in call centre, which for the moment is the only thing bringing any cash into my life. But the issue is, at the climax of the college year, and when I am getting people approach me for work, is it really such a great thing that I work Monday to Friday evenings, as well as college during the day? I know I could really need the additional time to work on projects, but I can't survive with no money. I have bills to pay.

Just have to work harder at designing things, so that can, one day, be my soul profession. Hopefully

Stuttered, but still going

I didn't blog yesterday, for one reason and one reason only.  I was so demotivated I did minimal work, till I got home. And I was up till 3.30 am doing it.

Its not as good as it sounds, I mean its not me being keen, its me being lazy and distracted. Not good. But today was ok, spent 5 hours straight finishing The Crucible project. And it has to be said, I decided to start afresh, and it was the best idea ever. I am happy with it, rather than do the keyhole idea, I had already produced. But I decided to base the idea around a gabble, seeing as much of the play is based in the courtroom.

It got a lot of attention, as a lot of students (college and visiting school kids) said it was great. And all the tutors seemed to like it too. So I felt something I havn't felt for such a long time. I had pride. I was proud that people liked it. I'm proud that I can put it up at the end of year exhibition and be happy about it. And that pride, has given me such a buzz.

I want to just do more work, but alas the day(evening)  job is first.

And the ball keeps rolling

No classes today, but decided it would be a good idea to head into college and work, rather than stay at home and do nothing. I say nothing, but I'd just end up playing the X Box.

I worked on two of my projects today. I worked on a re-hash of my work for animation. This includes research on other drawing styles, like Anime, and basically exploring how animation is made. The reason I am doing this, is because as usual, I look at my work, and dismiss it as rubbish, which I think it is. So the only logical thing for me to do, logical in MY head, is to start again. Which would be great if I had a lot of free time, and didn't have as well as college.

I also did further developement on the Crucible project, where I experimented on the malet (gable) idea. Trying to get a better final product than the original one I came up with. Trying being the main word

On a roll?

This is the second day of me being super-inspired.

I had web design first, whih included me getting my web information together for Scott, who is designing my web site. And also learnt how to make a photo gallery in photoshop. I'll be honest, I never had a clue photoshop could do that.  So I can always say thats my one thing I've learnt today.  But I know I still have a hell of  a lot of hard work to do, if I want to meet my deadline. But I can believe it can be done.

Maybe.

Also had the McDonalds project today as well, which I also made some progress on.

[caption id="attachment_26" align="alignnone" width="212" caption="Leaf ideas for McDonalds"][/caption]

I know they are not finalized, but the idea is that it is supposed to be natural (hence the leaf). It is supposed to be aimed at getting a new range of customers through the door. It has to be said I am a vegetarian, and hate everything McDonalds stands for. So this, as I have said previously, is  quite a struggle for me, to try and be balanced in my representation of the mega-coproporation, as hard as that is.

Going to start attempting again, to animate my worm. So,  hopefully that doesn't go too bad. I don't really mind animation, so its just the matter of staying focused, whcih I seem to be doing quite well in today.

The only thing is, that I need to do as much work as possible in college, seeing as work kills any motivation I have. No suprize there, call centres do that to people

Eventually

I had web design class today, where I started Scott's website. It should have really been started a few weeks ago, but that didn't happen. Mostly because of my lack of motivation, but I have now done the index page. Which in itself is great, because all other pages of the website are almost the same as the index page, its kinda like the main template, just the contents change about.

Also I made steady progress in the project for 'Create Not Hate', where I felt I was actually doing some high quality work for a change. The main concept of the idea I am doing, is where there is a face, but the features have been scrubbed out. This is to show some form of censorship, which happens towards young people, as they are often not given a chance and just judged. Well, thats what is supposed to be translated through it. I did some high quality drawings, and experemented with some plasticine.

I am hoping to try and get some picture of my work up, which would be nice, if I ever update this at home, rather than being at college or work.

Laziness

I am getting too good at this wasting time business.
I mean I have a deadline tomorrow, and all I want to do is chat to people on various forums.
Saying that reading peoples fictions is not time efficient, you can never read just one chapter.

I the most motivated I got was when I starting planning my next tattoo. One track mind, and that track is going in the opposite direction from college work. I really need to do work, but its way too much effort.

Its like anything I suppose, you stop something and its hard to start it up again. So I'm still stuck in a rut, with this bastard of a mental block. I have listened to music all day, but nothing. Usually that gets me started on something creative. Well. It did, just not on work.

Mental Block

Today has been the least productive day in quite a while. I did nothing towards any course work. I just sat on the internet looking for gigs I can go to. Which would be great, if I was all up to date with everything, which I am not. Sometimes I think I am my own biggest hurdle, at times. I love college, and work, but what am I supposed to when I feel that every thing I churn out and is useless. I have been doing some soul searching reccently to try and find out what my problem is. But haven't come up with anything yet.

I mean writers get writers' block, so what do artistic people get? I suppose its just a mental block. But finding 'it' a name, doesn't stop it. Other than lying around feeling sorry for myself, I am gonna try and be motivated. But I have this feeling, that this isn't just a phase, and I am 'plateau-ing'. I seem to think I am getting out of an inspirational 'rut', but then I just fall into another one.

I'm good if I'm doing things souly for myself. As I only work when I want to. But, alas, that doesn't happen when you have 2 clients waiting and a growing mountain of college work. I mean, of all the times for my motivation to take a leave of absence, why on earth does it do it at the end of the year. Hand in dates next week, and I'm nowhere near completion.

I remember back in the day, when I thought that school was the hardest thing ever. Then I left school and entered the real world, a world where I attend college full time, have a 25 hour a week job and take on freelance work, and have no want to do any of it at the moment.

Actually, that rant reminds me, I need to contact the printers about getting more paper samples. Hopefully, they'll  get in touch this time.

Kind of, not...

Oh, I was so motivated the last few days. What happened?

No progress has been made today at all on anything (other than Guitar Hero). I have got ideas, I mean I did think about a banner for my graphics portfolio website Scott is making for me, from my plans. I'm doing it all DIY with hand drawn logos and such, which is very me. So I am thinking about what kind of work represents me, which is a hell of a lot better than what I have been doing lately.

I mean I have to face my Crucible project tomorrow, which I have decided I hate. You can pinpoint at exactly which point in the project I lost interest, because it all goes very bland and boring. I mean,  I have never produced a piece of work which is 100% digital, usually its arty and messy, with it being finished on the computer. But alas, me, in my panicing state, rushed everything, and ended up with a very boring keyhole idea. Which is something, but it communicates nothing. Rather than advertising a play about witches, it looks like something for 'Through the Keyhole'.

But thats what happens when you need to get ideas, with zero motivation.

Found my mojo?

I am currently using the colleges' iMacs, which can work even less than the pcs. For a media and graphics department to have 8 year old computers, which struggle to run Windows, and render the things unworkable. Which is the biggest hurdle in this college, that and the fact it couldn't inspire the most creative person to do work. You would think that putting lots of creative people together, would inspire people more, but that only works if those people are working to begin with. Its kind of like following the leader, one person gets distracted, and one by one every other member follows them.

Not the best state of mind, for a whole class to be, especially at this time of the year.

Saying that I have done a lot of work for a project where I have to redesign the McDonalds logo. It is something that is a lot harder than it sounds.  Try and think about McDonalds without the famous 'golden arches' . It is hard, as because its such a popular brand, and to change its so the most famous part is not included, is hard.  But I have been doing a lot of sketches, to try and re-motivate myself, which is actually working.  Well it is I suppose, I have to have all the developement finished by next week, which is a headache. A major headache. Just have to try and keep motivated, I suppose, which is a lot harder that what you'd think. If you are not in the correct mindset, you find that you can't create anything worthwhile.

At the moment I am doing animation, for a project for E4. It is just a 20 second animation created on flash. The animation includes lots of little worms who travel along the ground up to join other worms to make the E4 logo. It sounded good in my head. I really feel for anyone who animates as a job, its really hard. And I'm using Flash, and that cuts a lot of corners.

But hey, at least I seem to be moving forward, which is better than nothing

Hey there!

Hey. I'm Sue, and this is my new blog set up to document my life as a trainee graphic designer.

I am currently at Dunfermline's Carnegie College, doing an HNC in Visual Communication.I am trying to start up my own business, and have been told that this site can be a good showcase, and way to document what I do.

I do already have a livejournal account, but it is a very private account, which I have had since I was 17, I am now 25.  So don't really want to subject people to my teenage whining, about how hard my life was. When in reality, I was just being a grumpy teenager.

I am going to attempt to document what I do on a daily basis, with posts also appearing on my myspace http://myspace.com/rgraphics . So check it out, although its not much too look at. 

I'll start off with today at college I suppose. I had web design today, which to be fair, I am not doing too well at. The idea is that each member is to design a portfolio website for another member of the class. In theory it sounds easy, but because I have been doing other course work, I have completely forgotten how to set up a new website. Super fail, on my behalf.

The other project I was working on, is a design for 'Create Not Hate', a company who aim to stop violance amongst youths, and get them to be creative. They do this by getting people who work in the creative industries, to create projects and mentor the youngsters. I am really enjoying it just now, because its one of the projects I feel I am really getting somewhere.  Which is also great.

Also got feedback on how I'm doing in the project for the Crucible, which is a play by Arthur Miller based on the Salem Witch Trials. This is one project I started off really inspired by, but as time has gone on, I find myself less and less motivated too do it. Well, I was told today, that the work I came up with, is basically really bad, and flat, and not very me. I am a very messy person, and I usually try to encapsulate that in any work I do. I just seem to have taken way to much work, and am actually finding it hard to keep up with all I want to do.

You see, I want to reap the benefits of my work, and also have fun with friends. But I just can't seem to get the balance right. I just end up making a complete mess of things.

But at least my tutor has faith in me, and she is wanting me to continue with graphics, and do a 2 year HND, which would benefit me in the long run. And it helps seeing that I don't think I'll be able to get much freelance work, thanks to the current economic climate. I mean people will take any free work I do, but not pay for a semi-professional.