Umm.....hey

It is said that people only think of themselves when they are in a crisis, and that only people who think of others should be rewarded. But that is human nature. We are born with something inside us, which is there to protect us from things we deem to be risky. We are criticised if we think the world revolves around ourselves, when in reality we CAN only observe that which goes on around us.

Obscure sentences, or valid point,s I don't know, but the topics I mentioned above, are what I have been thinking about today. So I suppose I should explain myself a little bit.

The whole 'fight or flight' part of ourselves is something there to protect ourselves against danger. But in civilised society, we are taught that it is respectable to reject our instincts to protect those weaker than ourselves. But what does that bring to ourselves? A sense of worth, a sense of knowing that you have done right by someone. So it isn't really for that person you protect them. Its for your own satisfaction, makes you feel good, gives you a buzz. Does that not make heroes completely selfish, because they do these 'commendable acts' for themselves. No different from anyone else.

In fact, is someone who does not allow themselves get bullied into 'heroism', and look after themselves, not more heroic. They get called selfish, when it is other people who intrude in others' lives to make themselves feel better. Which one is more selfish, they are both looking for pleasure and a feeling of purpose, but only the 'hero' uses other people to get that feeling of worth.

**Note: that is what happen when I watch the 'no such thing as an unselfish good deed' episode of Friends. **

The second thing was this trend of calling someone selfish because they think the world revolves around them. How is that selfish? Of course the world as we know it, revolves around us, because we observe it from our olace. So you form your own opinions and looking at it from when you stand. This isn't selfish to think others are there to help you, as that is how we automatically think of them, seeing all interaction we have with people usually involves talking to one another.

It is an automatic usumption with the lives that we lead, that we are to think things revolve around ourselves, so why should we be made to feel guilty about it. 'Think about others first' we are told, but why? In this life too many people pass the buck and like to blame their failure on others, and I think that this is just another way of doing that. It's like passing all your aggravation onto other people. Because your life is so meaningless you have to use any excuse to berate another, perfectly happy person.

Sometimes I think I should just lock myself in my room and be a hermit.

The Product of Sex And The City boxset

Sitting watching Sex and The City, and it always makes me wanna blog. Funny that.

It just makes me think about relationships with other people. I mean, I am a friendly person, and unless you are mean to me, I’ll be nice to you. But I always find myself in the situation, that people don’t seem to invite me out. This leads me to spend many lame nights in on Foxy Bingo. I try and organise something, and it always ends up just me and Paul. Not that I mind that, because I’m sure I have talked his ears off with my shitty life story more than once. Its like everyone else has better offers. Its like ‘yeah I would, but I prefer my other friends’. And that feeling just drives me mad. Maybe I think about it too much, but it has always felt like a major flaw in my life. Its probably paranoia, but its the only thing in my life which I feel is holding me back. I mean I have a job, which to be honest is pretty stable. I am back at college, and am totally at peace with it, and am planning my projects and things already. And I am also feeling very creative, and am sketching on top of my college work, and I think that the sketch book will be finished within the next couple of weeks.

So the fact that I seem to have this inhability to get myself anywhere close to the field of dating, feels like the only thing holding me back. I mean, if you are unable to go out regularly, how can you ever expect to get anyone. Its not like I get on with my daily life, thinking ‘there is one person and she will never pass me by’. Because I find that a rather niave way of looking at things, or maybe its me who is the niave one? Is it stupidity, that I seem to excuse myself from even attempting to get into that type of relationship?

I think its where my self-punishment kicks in, telling myself that if I really was such a nice person as I think I am, then why am I single and alone. Why have I been to scared to even go near someone, in a relationship sense, in over a year. Yep, the notorious Sam. Seriously the first time I could admit to myself that I was gay, happened with her. But nothing lasts forever, and as I let myself into her flat, I found her and some blonde bitch in bed together. I have never ever been so hurt in my life. I mean, I had always thought that emotional pain, so severe, you feel it physically, was a load of horse shit. But to be honest, I live with tendonitis (pre-cursor to arthritis) and I have been so sore I can’t walk, but it was so unbeleivable painful. I mean I felt like I was gonna have a heart attack.

So I think that my head is trying to put barriers in my own way to stop that happening again. I mean, honestly, its the only thing I feel is making me feel low at the moment. There is answer somewhere, I hope.

Yeah, well...

I have been off work today, and wanna know what I have done? Watch tv.
I usually can't be fussed with tv, but I watched so much of it today, it makes up for my usual month worth of tv viewing.
Take soaps, for instance, I watched Eastenders, Hollyoaks, Nieghbours and Coronation Street (i think Hollyoaks was the only one that held my attention though). I spent all afternoon watching Red Dwarf series 2, which in my opinion is the best comedy the BBC have ever shown. Watched some Top Gear, and this thing about trying to get the unemployed jobs. And now I am perched on the couch watching Sex in the City.

I know it sounds really lame, but that programme taught me more about sex and relationships than school ever did. The only thing about it, is that it makes me wish that I was in a relationship. Its not that I don't enjoy my own company, cause I love chilling on my own. Its just it would be nice to have someone other than my cat to cuddle up to. I dunno, I guess everyone goes through that.

Its funny Miranda is going through the same crisis on Sex in the City. The whole I'm going to die alone and my cat will eat my face. Saying that, Billy would probably eat my arm, then raid the fridge. lol.

New obsession. When i am on my own, i had the habit of eating crisps. But now, its drinking loads of tea. Never been a tea drinker, but it keeps me from being bored, and eating myself to an early grave. I mean I dont want to waste my summer of walking (the only resolution for the summer that stuck), by eating crap. I mean, I am at the stage where i am wanting to register for the gym. I have never ever wanted to do that. But walking to work, has made me feel so much more possitive, as odd as that sounds.

Thinking about going swimming at the wing every saturday. Its not to busy