I swear each year goes by faster and faster.
I did something unthinkable and stuck to a resolution this year. I managed to get into blogging again. And have become totally addicted to it. Its like I have this almighty yearning to go to a computer and type up some bullshit. I don't think people appreciate how much blogging can help you get things off your chest. I mean would people prefer that they get even more bullshit from me, than what they all ready do?
This year has had a lot of low points, with having a few people I'm close to die, and also a suicide attempt a few months ago. I have struggled this year both financially and mentally. Without having a release or any of my friends to rely on, I really doubt I could have made it without any of them. So thank you. Thats the people I have befriended through this site, the GC fam, work pals, College pals, rosyth Peoples, cowdenbeath/kelty peoples and basically anyone who has offered me something to lean on this past year. I love you all.
There has been some good things this year, like seeing Nofx for the first time in 8 years, having banter with many bands including Dogsflesh, Outl4w and 4PM. Just going to gigs generally makes me happy. I am planning on some more gigs this year, seeing as I missed out on some in 09. Mostly because its been the year, when I've never had money. Which is fail, its like I work to get by, and thats it.
Hope everyone has a grand Hogmanay, whatever you're doing. See ya in 2010.
Thursday, 31 December 2009
Monday, 21 December 2009
The day after the night before
Feeling kinda rough today.
Had my works night out last night, and it was great. Had about ten pints of lager and was kinda wasted at the end of the night. Was good though. Well, I enjoyed it. As with all work nights out, there was a bit of drama. It was between Sam, Jade and Jen. Jade's one of the new members of the team, and Jen and Sam have been pals for a while now. They are all involved with guys, but Jade was all over everyone, especially Sam. Jen didn't want to take part in their messing around, so she was completely ignored by Sam and Jade.
I mean they were sitting snogging in the toilets. Sam has a boyfriend and Jade is engaged, and I hate cheating. I'm trying to not be judgemental about it, but its hard when I saw how hurt Jen was.
I think work is going to be slightly awkward tonight. I hope it isn't, but I just have that feeling.
Other than that, everyone got on, and it was a good, if expensive night. Sky had £300 behind the bar, and it lasted less than an hour.
I still haven't been payed from my work, I get paid on Wednesday, and its going to be rush of christmas shopping. Heading to Kirkaldy on do some shopping, actually I mean all my shopping. I have my little sister a necklace, but that's about it. I don't even know what I'm getting everyone. *sigh*
I don't understand how I'm so far behind on shopping, I mean its not like christmas sneaks up on us every year. Its always the same. I am getting worse and worse about buying, because I feel like ignoring it, and it won't come. I've been doing that way too much lately. Its not just presents, its my bills, I just ignore them, and end up getting in a lot of bother. Its like I feel like I'm trying to get my feet cleared, but the banks and things just keep on charging me. I mean its not fair. How am I supposed to help myself when I go to the bank, and all they can offer is a paid account, which still limits me on my overdraft.
Stupid everything.
Had my works night out last night, and it was great. Had about ten pints of lager and was kinda wasted at the end of the night. Was good though. Well, I enjoyed it. As with all work nights out, there was a bit of drama. It was between Sam, Jade and Jen. Jade's one of the new members of the team, and Jen and Sam have been pals for a while now. They are all involved with guys, but Jade was all over everyone, especially Sam. Jen didn't want to take part in their messing around, so she was completely ignored by Sam and Jade.
I mean they were sitting snogging in the toilets. Sam has a boyfriend and Jade is engaged, and I hate cheating. I'm trying to not be judgemental about it, but its hard when I saw how hurt Jen was.
I think work is going to be slightly awkward tonight. I hope it isn't, but I just have that feeling.
Other than that, everyone got on, and it was a good, if expensive night. Sky had £300 behind the bar, and it lasted less than an hour.
I still haven't been payed from my work, I get paid on Wednesday, and its going to be rush of christmas shopping. Heading to Kirkaldy on do some shopping, actually I mean all my shopping. I have my little sister a necklace, but that's about it. I don't even know what I'm getting everyone. *sigh*
I don't understand how I'm so far behind on shopping, I mean its not like christmas sneaks up on us every year. Its always the same. I am getting worse and worse about buying, because I feel like ignoring it, and it won't come. I've been doing that way too much lately. Its not just presents, its my bills, I just ignore them, and end up getting in a lot of bother. Its like I feel like I'm trying to get my feet cleared, but the banks and things just keep on charging me. I mean its not fair. How am I supposed to help myself when I go to the bank, and all they can offer is a paid account, which still limits me on my overdraft.
Stupid everything.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
Blah
Get this.
First deadline for ALL my college work next week, and guess who is probably going to miss said deadline?
That's right. MEEEEE! (what a good guess)
The worrying thing is that I am not as stressed as I probably should be. Which is odd. I am usually at panic stations, but all I want to do is do other things. Such as drawing my character (whose name has changed from Kaiko to Kako).
Talking about Kako, I have went crazy drawing her. Its like I have been drawing her loads, and its the only thing I seem to have any productivity for. Its odd cause as a kid, I used to have all these dreams about 'foxy-people' and its like it is now I've finally found a way to put these thoughts into something productive. I felt that if i could start on something productive, I could transfer it across to my college work, which is easier said than done. I just can't focus at all.
Its like all I do right now is college and work, and that's it. Its driving me fecking mental.
First deadline for ALL my college work next week, and guess who is probably going to miss said deadline?
That's right. MEEEEE! (what a good guess)
The worrying thing is that I am not as stressed as I probably should be. Which is odd. I am usually at panic stations, but all I want to do is do other things. Such as drawing my character (whose name has changed from Kaiko to Kako).
Talking about Kako, I have went crazy drawing her. Its like I have been drawing her loads, and its the only thing I seem to have any productivity for. Its odd cause as a kid, I used to have all these dreams about 'foxy-people' and its like it is now I've finally found a way to put these thoughts into something productive. I felt that if i could start on something productive, I could transfer it across to my college work, which is easier said than done. I just can't focus at all.
Its like all I do right now is college and work, and that's it. Its driving me fecking mental.
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
So...umm
Yeah, I skipped College today. There was 2 reasons for it.
1) I am skint and my bus pass ran out yesterday, so physically can't afford college, unless I chance it with an out of date bus pass. Which I don't want to do, cause they may just take the pass off me, including my college card. Which they have done before.
2) I was very, very upset yesterday. Im hoping I am just 'dipping' because my meds have been changed, but I dont think thats it. I was so close to phoning the Samartians because I just wanted to throw myself of something and end it all. Pretty severe, when you think that the medication is supposed to stop me feeling like that. But after I blogged, I went to the toilets and had a cry.
*sigh*
Anyways. I lay in bed this morning reading Death Note, and feeling sorry for myself. When I am like that, I am better just lying, locked away from everyone, cause I'll just say something stupid.
I still haven't done any work, although I sat and drew at my work last night. I say I draw, it wasn't anything spectacular, but it was all I could do from walking out of my work last night, and never going back. Whats bugging me, is that how am I supposed to make sure I am doing everything for a customer, when the call center manager is on my back telling me to hurry up and get on the next call. If I need to email another department, I can't. And that is not helping me at all, when I am feeling this stressed.
Just focusing on Saturday, where I'll be up in Aberdeen with two of my oldest friends, Sharon and Gemma. Its Gemma's birthday night out. I'm just looking to clear my head, so am really looking forward to it. Its kind of like the light at the end of the tunnel. Reminds me, I need to get Gemma and Sharon bday things on Friday, when I get paid.
1) I am skint and my bus pass ran out yesterday, so physically can't afford college, unless I chance it with an out of date bus pass. Which I don't want to do, cause they may just take the pass off me, including my college card. Which they have done before.
2) I was very, very upset yesterday. Im hoping I am just 'dipping' because my meds have been changed, but I dont think thats it. I was so close to phoning the Samartians because I just wanted to throw myself of something and end it all. Pretty severe, when you think that the medication is supposed to stop me feeling like that. But after I blogged, I went to the toilets and had a cry.
*sigh*
Anyways. I lay in bed this morning reading Death Note, and feeling sorry for myself. When I am like that, I am better just lying, locked away from everyone, cause I'll just say something stupid.
I still haven't done any work, although I sat and drew at my work last night. I say I draw, it wasn't anything spectacular, but it was all I could do from walking out of my work last night, and never going back. Whats bugging me, is that how am I supposed to make sure I am doing everything for a customer, when the call center manager is on my back telling me to hurry up and get on the next call. If I need to email another department, I can't. And that is not helping me at all, when I am feeling this stressed.
Just focusing on Saturday, where I'll be up in Aberdeen with two of my oldest friends, Sharon and Gemma. Its Gemma's birthday night out. I'm just looking to clear my head, so am really looking forward to it. Its kind of like the light at the end of the tunnel. Reminds me, I need to get Gemma and Sharon bday things on Friday, when I get paid.
Monday, 23 November 2009
Shinigami Like Apples
Actually quite happy for a Monday.
Although I have spent all weekend watching and reading Death Note. I seriously am dreading the Hollywood remake of it. They are supposedly moving the story from Japan to LA. The fact that the story is set in Japan, and that that is a major factor throughout the plot. Stupid Hollywood, why can't you leave things alone. Its bad enough I can no longer think of anyone but Zac Efron playing Light, but then they say, he might not do that. Eugh.
Also, why am I the only person who thinks that Misa and Matsuda would have made a good couple, rather than Misa and Light. Both Misa and Matsuda are immature and childish in how they act. I think they'd have this understanding that Light doesn't have with Misa.
Anyways, if you are wondering why there is an absence of college mentioning in this blog, then that is because I have done sweet FA all day and all weekend. Talk about fail. I sat on Cafe World again *rolls eyes*. Well that and was reading stuff on Death Note and Saiyuki. Kinda obsessed with them both.
Get more Death Note on Friday. YAAAAASSSS!!!
I also get paid on Friday. YAAAAASSSS!!!!
And Aberdeen on Saturday. YAAAASSSSS!!!!
*Thats a lot of yass-ing*
*Also incidentally, there is someone called Misa Matsuda lol*
Although I have spent all weekend watching and reading Death Note. I seriously am dreading the Hollywood remake of it. They are supposedly moving the story from Japan to LA. The fact that the story is set in Japan, and that that is a major factor throughout the plot. Stupid Hollywood, why can't you leave things alone. Its bad enough I can no longer think of anyone but Zac Efron playing Light, but then they say, he might not do that. Eugh.
Also, why am I the only person who thinks that Misa and Matsuda would have made a good couple, rather than Misa and Light. Both Misa and Matsuda are immature and childish in how they act. I think they'd have this understanding that Light doesn't have with Misa.
Anyways, if you are wondering why there is an absence of college mentioning in this blog, then that is because I have done sweet FA all day and all weekend. Talk about fail. I sat on Cafe World again *rolls eyes*. Well that and was reading stuff on Death Note and Saiyuki. Kinda obsessed with them both.
Get more Death Note on Friday. YAAAAASSSS!!!
I also get paid on Friday. YAAAAASSSS!!!!
And Aberdeen on Saturday. YAAAASSSSS!!!!
*Thats a lot of yass-ing*
*Also incidentally, there is someone called Misa Matsuda lol*
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
*yawn*
Was pretty productive again today at college. When I say productive, it means I was working on my project all the time I was in college. I stayed away from the computers, so I wasn't distracted by facebook, or twitter. I mean I waste all my free time, on stupid things such as them. Its always FarmVille and Bejewelled that I spend ages on. Don't get me wrong, I love playing stupid games, but its horrible when I know I have more important things I should be doing. I am spending ages on my thumbnails, which is me being behind. I was supposed to be on developement, so I'm a stage behind. But I am putting a hell of a lot of work on it now, which is something I wasn't doing before.
In the money front, I was budgeting my £14 for the rest of the week (till I get paid next friday) and my dad said 'I can give you £20 if you want'. And I thought 'woo hoo' more money to spend -.- That is not the way this is supposed to go. Let me budget, and I can make money last, but give me more, and I'll just spend it all on nothing, probably. *rolls eyes* I mean I have already had a loaner of Paul, a mate a college, and I really don't want to be owing more people money. Its not like I don't pay it back, its just I hate having to resort to borrowing. I am in such a mess this month. I am writing out an action plan for when my wages come back, and who I owe money to.
I usually get paid £700ish, so I pay £80 for digs
£39.for phone
£50 for nationwide
£50 for Mint
£20 to Paul
£20 to dad, if i take it.
So thats about £260. Which is ok, if I can do that.
Big If.
In the money front, I was budgeting my £14 for the rest of the week (till I get paid next friday) and my dad said 'I can give you £20 if you want'. And I thought 'woo hoo' more money to spend -.- That is not the way this is supposed to go. Let me budget, and I can make money last, but give me more, and I'll just spend it all on nothing, probably. *rolls eyes* I mean I have already had a loaner of Paul, a mate a college, and I really don't want to be owing more people money. Its not like I don't pay it back, its just I hate having to resort to borrowing. I am in such a mess this month. I am writing out an action plan for when my wages come back, and who I owe money to.
I usually get paid £700ish, so I pay £80 for digs
£39.for phone
£50 for nationwide
£50 for Mint
£20 to Paul
£20 to dad, if i take it.
So thats about £260. Which is ok, if I can do that.
Big If.
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Productive
So, today was rather productive at college. Ok, I did sleep in again, but thats because it takes me till at least 4am to get to sleep. So when I do get to an unconcious state, I end up sleeping through my alarm, which is no good.
Anywho, handed in outcome 2 for vis com and worked on my Graphic Design sketch book. I feel happy with myself about that. Although I have been doing some work for my graphic design class, I am still way behind from where I need to be. Which is just bloody frustrating.Gonna try and do some more work for it tonight whilst at work, like between calls or something.
Looks like its going to be another Freesat night, where customers call, and I can do very little. -.- Its very annoying, because I only have access to one system, and thats the one that runs the paid sky accounts on it. So freesat customers call and expect me to access their info, and I cant. Its annoying, and I can tell some of the customers are not happy about it. But its not my fault, I'm getting calls, I dont have the facility to deal with. I can order them new viewing cards, but thats it. Grrr
Also discovered my bus pass runs out next Tuesday, so I wont be able to get to college, and im gonna struggle with work too. *bangs head off wall* I never have enough money -.- So thats what I need, just as we are approaching project hand-ins, days off.
Anywho, handed in outcome 2 for vis com and worked on my Graphic Design sketch book. I feel happy with myself about that. Although I have been doing some work for my graphic design class, I am still way behind from where I need to be. Which is just bloody frustrating.Gonna try and do some more work for it tonight whilst at work, like between calls or something.
Looks like its going to be another Freesat night, where customers call, and I can do very little. -.- Its very annoying, because I only have access to one system, and thats the one that runs the paid sky accounts on it. So freesat customers call and expect me to access their info, and I cant. Its annoying, and I can tell some of the customers are not happy about it. But its not my fault, I'm getting calls, I dont have the facility to deal with. I can order them new viewing cards, but thats it. Grrr
Also discovered my bus pass runs out next Tuesday, so I wont be able to get to college, and im gonna struggle with work too. *bangs head off wall* I never have enough money -.- So thats what I need, just as we are approaching project hand-ins, days off.
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